My nightmare. My miracle.

I was floating in tropical paradise, and 24 hours away from a nervous breakdown.

5 times before in my life I hadn’t slept for a couple of days, and each time I’d spun out into an anxiety cycle that took weeks or months of drugs to bring back into line. I’m talking about being near panic, and often just worried about how bad the panic might get! Having just finished one of these 6 month rides after India, I was even more worried about some kind of chronic lifetime cycle I’d never break out of.

I looked around at the palm trees, sipped my virgin pina colada, and reflected on Kristina and I making love in the ocean earlier that day – during a Puerto Rican rain storm! Life seemed so perfect.

Yet…I was exhausted. Tension cramped my belly, my throated was knotted up, and the more tired I got, the greater the fear grew, and the less likely sleep was. I’d kept ‘it’ at bay – whatever ‘it’ was - for years using sleeping pills occasionally. But they just weren’t working. I’d wake up tired, and the tired/afraid cycle began again. It was spinning out of control, and I was running out of options.

I narrowed it down to this: I was afraid of not sleeping, and at some deep level, I was afraid of sleeping. In short – I was f*****.

I set up a phone session with my emergency 'coach' in the UK, Kira Kay:

“I think you’re ready David, to face this fear once and for all. Take no sleeping pills, whatever happens….after 3 days you're body will probably shut down if you don't sleep. Be willing to face anything – to risk insanity, to risk death….all your fears…and I know you can come through the other side. But you’ve got to WANT it more than life.”

This was one of the most horrible and terrifying things I could imagine – my lifetime Achilles heal. I had no confidence that the result would be a happy healthy David…..it could be much, much worse. And I didn't want it more than life; I like life very much!

But it seemed the entire point was to face these fears…..of nervous breakdown, insanity, and perhaps at some level….death. And again, I was running out of options as the pills just weren’t working. I hesitantly said yes; wanting freedom, but not truly believing it was possible.

DAY 1
I faced some of my worst demons that same day. Simply being with the fear and exhaustion. Kristina left to spend time with her Puerto Rican family, and I wandered the resort and beach….alone.

This day I discovered I CAN be exhausted, afraid, and alone. And make it through a day. I learned I can feel horrible one minute, and have a profound beautiful experience the next.

A fight with Kristina topped off the day, triggering my deep fear of feeling/being alone and abandoned. (Note: Am I afraid of being abandoned and alone, or afraid of FEELING abandoned and along? This question is tripping me out).

In the middle of deep pain, and feeling a gulf between Kristina and I, I called a man who had offered to help me heal if I ever got off the anti-anxiety medication. I figured this was a good time to call him – as I was just about to dive back on it!

The experience was profound.

Joseph showed us, over the phone, how I could access my deepest feelings, and release them as I shook and sobbed. He showed us how Kristina could sit and hold my hand as I cried, giving me pure love and support. And how this extra attention made all the difference.

Kristina and I sat on our quiet balcony and took in at the bright stars that framed the palm trees and Caribbean ocean. With Joseph's voice in my ears from my wireless internet skype phone, and Kristina holding my hand, I released 30 year old emotion.

I went to bed ready to face whatever came up, armed with a couple of quick tips from Joseph. (And ‘forgetting’ that Joseph didn’t have my 20 year history concerning not sleeping and my fear around it)

I made it past midnight, and then….

At 1am I decided to parachute out with 10 mg of Ambien (the maximum recommended dosage). But when I pulled on the rip cord, nothing happened! In fact, half an hour later when an elephant should be comatose, my heart was beating furiously, and I could feel the panic increasing. If the max dosage won’t knock me out – what will? What’s at the end of the road?I woke up feeling like crap, and scared that there was no way out. Perhaps I’m not strong enough to handle it.

DAY 2
Joseph was surprised and grateful to find out about my ‘not sleeping’ pattern, and the fear around it. He suggested that me feeling terrified and exhausted while ALONE, and while the feelings were keeping me awake, was NOT productive! That it would be better to either take my attention off the feelings until I had support, or…..set up support for the middle of the night!

Thank God! This was MUCH more attractive than what I saw as the full ‘kamikaze-go-insane’ approach. So I set up phone calls around the world in case I needed hand holding at 4am. (What a group of friends I have! Who will take a call in the middle of the night, willing to listen to me shout and sob!)

The result?

At 10pm I drifted off to sleep – pill-free! And, while Kristina was up reading (I can’t remember ever drifting asleep while someone was in the room, and awake!)

At that time, I cannot think of anything in my life, in this universe, more valuable to me than that experience.

DAY 4
Seeing my success, and that I clearly could handle more challenge, the universe filled the resort with screaming kids – all part of three weddings scheduled for the weekend. I was HUGELY triggered by the noise, feeling very unsafe and out of control. We nearly left the resort, but I stuck it out to see what I could learn.

I felt how important control was/is for me, and in the middle of a ‘sobbing session’ I heard myself say: “If I’m not in control, things get f***** up, and people die”. Wow….

I went to bed, in that ‘unsafe’ environment…. …and slept.

DAY 6
Proceed to the next level of challenge; the next variable.

I had to get up at 5am for the flight back to NY. I always take a pill before a big flight (10-24 hours), or an early one, to ensure I’m well rested, and avoid feeling like crap and powerless on the plane.

Well…this night I was willing to go into it. Willing to get no sleep. Willing to feel whatever came up, and to call friends and share it.

I got 3 hours sleep, had perhaps the best sex of my life, and we got a free upgrade to first class.

With a 30 min plane doze, I was ready to enjoy the movie, and we had a wonderful trip! I even got through handing Kristina off to her husband at the airport. (Yes…one of the things triggering all the emotion).

I had a melt-down when I got home alone: “My body is against me and is sabotaging my sleep – will this ever f***** be over”. But it reminded me that the process wasn’t done, (may never fully be done, ) and that resisting things was not going to bring sleep faster. What a lesson!

THE REST
For the next four nights I slept soundly – wonderfully. I’ve been pill-free for 12 days.
What looked like being a lifetime cycle of anxiety and drugs, has opened into an entirely new possibility for me: being with myself, and my feelings….all of them.

I’m now with Kristina at a sensuality weekend course, and have a speech to 1000 people next week in Orlando. I’m committed to the entire experience pill free – whatever comes up.

Freedom!

HOW I BROKE THROUGH: 6 THINGS

1) I don’t have to face the feelings alone. (In fact, if I’m alone and they are keeping me awake, there’s no point in feeling them. Put it off until I have support).

2) I can delay feeling the feelings until I have support. (This let me sleep at night, knowing things would be taken care of. I don’t have to be at the mercy of these feelings)

3) I can set up support for the night time. (I had 5 people around the world willing to hold my hand on the phone while I went through the experience).

4) Releasing the emotion. (I did deep work each day on the phone with Joseph, and Kristina holding my hand. I accessed my deepest fears and sobbed my heart out).

5) Being willing to go there. (Having support PLUS committing to face whatever comes up

6) Compassion. (I was hating that part of my body, my self, that was stopping me from sleeping. Now I talk to it; have compassion for it…for what it/I have been through in the past that is bringing it up.)I got to face/realise the level of support in my life.

And Kristina was extraordinary. We continue to go deeper, and higher.

I showed her parts I didn’t want to see myself, and she backed me the entire way. When I said “But I haven’t even taken you to dinner once, and we haven’t left the resort to see any of the country”, she replied: “I love hanging out with you; I get to lie down as much as I want!”