medication means broken?

D: There’s something wrong with me. I’m broken

GOD: How can something be wrong with you? You simply are. Where do you think those judgments come from? Your ego. Is that really what you want to listen to? It would seem that’s what’s causing the suffering.

D: Other people don’t go through this – shaking and screaming and crying and panicking and not sleeping for weeks on end. I must be different; I must be broken.

GOD: Have you looked around you? A huge percentage of people are on some kind of numbing medication so they don’t fully confront their feelings. Addiction is rampant to medication, drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, nicotine, sex, TV, work – and suppression of feeling leading to disease. Unfortunately my friend, you have removed all of these from your life, leaving you to be with you, and whatever there is that is ready to be felt.

D: But what’s causing all this? Why do I have fear in the middle of the night? I have some ideas, but what if they are not right?

GOD: Who cares? The ego does. Your mind wants to work everything out. How’s that working for you?

D: OK, even if you’re God, there’s no need to be a smart ass. It’s sucking as a method right now.

GOD: Ok then. So notice you’re mind wanting to work it out, and just let it try. Just keep watching it. You’ll never know for sure. Even if you feel certain, it might not be it. And in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is what you’re feeling, and what actions you choose. You ready to have some fun with it?

D: Oh yes.

GOD: When people ask you what the reason is, tell them you’re afraid of tigers. That you know it’s not rational, but you’re really worried a tiger might have escaped from the nearest zoo 500 miles away and made it’s way outside your bedroom window.

D: Um…thanks. Now…

I think I should be able to surrender to everything, to open to the fear and panic, and maybe even feel some kind of peace or bliss at the end.

GOD: Firstly, you’ve had enormous success with that, and you have found feelings of peace around it.

Secondly, stop ‘shoulding’ all over yourself. Again – where does that judgment come from? What divinity told you you SHOULD be anything?

D: Maybe I’m so close to some kind of pop into enlightenment – the worse it gets, the more likely the pop. Surely I have to keep going so I have this holy grail.

GOD: Is that your higher self tell you you HAVE to do this? Or your ego?

D: But doesn’t it make me a failure if I stop now and take medication?

GOD: I think we’ve covered this. Plus…

Who says you are stopping? Do you think your feelings will stop, or life will stop giving you challenges?

Also, it depends how you define the game. If the goal was to never experience anxiety for the rest of your life, killing yourself would be more certain. However if the goals was to go deeper than you have before, and face your deepest fear head on, then it would seem to me that you have won your game. If your goal was to move through the fear until you feel a sense of peace, have you forgotten you have done that several times over? In once case you had several days of peace, and felt good and comfortable and happy – again, a win.

I suggest you seriously take a look at the yard stick you’re using to assess your success.

D: I believe conquering a fear leads to more freedom, and a good way to conquer a fear is to face it, be with it, go into it.

GOD: These are true. And yet, consider how much freedom you’re feeling right now after 5 weeks of this. Does your sense of freedom increase by continuing, or by making a choice to alter the path. Do you really have freedom to choose?

And by your logic, what are you going to do about your fear of medication? Your fear of losing control to the medication. Are you willing to face that fear and go into it?

And more importantly – If you had one minute or one week to live, maybe you would choose to face all your fears instantly for the ultimate freedom. Would you?

D: No way, I’d want to walk in fields full of flowers with my partner by my side, and friends waiting for us at the end of the day.

GOD: Right. You want to enjoy life. Why are you screwing around with all this enlightenment bullshit. Oh sure – take the ride and push the boundaries and see what’s on the other side. That’s largely who you are. But is your ENTIRE life about that?

D: No. . I’m feeling right now that balance is important. I want to play the spiritual-push-back-my-boundaries game, and I want to play the this-is-fun-let’s-play game. And I guess I choose which one I want to play, and when.

GOD: By God (and I’m allowed to say that), I think he’s getting it.

And here’s the other thing for you, and I want you to listen closely. Even if your goal is to face all your fears before you die, don’t you think it’s kind of handy that I’ve given you a life expectancy of 72 years? (And for you I might be a little more lenient). Did I ever say you have to face all your fear in one sitting? At one time? Do you think it might be OK to take on as much as you’re willing to in one go, and then come back to it when you’re ready? If a coaching client of yours was afraid of public speaking, she did all the preparation leading to the speech, even did a couple of speeches while terrified, and then stopped for a while because she felt it was too much to handle, would you condemn her?

D: No, I’d congratulate her on the awesome work to even move in the direction of speaking. And to actually do a couple of speeches and feel all the feelings is a huge win. At some point, if it’s right for her, she’ll come back to it, and it’s likely that in the meantime she’ll receiving the right information at the right time that will prepare her for that. Wow! That was me! I did national speeches, but stopped because it didn’t feel good and I was too scared. But I always knew I’d come back to it, and when I did it was to 1000 people and I felt 100% present and ‘on’.

GOD: I’m glad you’re getting it.

D: What if this is the wrong decision to take medication?

GOD: How can anything really be wrong? Each decision simply takes you on a different path and gives you different experiences. You have forgotten that the power of choice is one of the greatest gifts you have; you may as well revel in it. You choose, and then take responsibility for the consequences – as a villain, not a victim.

And it’s not like this is a one-shot deal. If you take the medication, at any point you can decide to stop. And if you don’t take the medication, at any point you can decide to start.

You can also consider yourself a researcher – trying different things and experimenting to see what works for you.

I’m also wondering, do you know anyone who you respect who has used medication successfully?

D: Actually yes. I know some people who share my values and are living really wonderful lives. Two are using medication now, and some have used it for a time in the past, successfully. Oh…and I guess I’m one of them. I used it before and it worked really well. The only reason I stopped is because I wanted to learn more, and don’t want to take anything that’s not necessary, but it worked perfectly.

GOD: Hmmm – sounds like you should really be worried.

Look - choose not based on right or wrong, but on the experience you wish to have.

D: Well that’s easy. Right now I wish to have ease in my life. I wish to appreciate me, my partner, my family and friends, and to be present to love and joy.

But medication isn’t natural – what if it distorts things in a bad way?

GOD: Maybe it will. But did you hesitate to take novocaine at the dentist, or general anaesthetic during your appendectomy.

D: Well no, but the doctor prescribed and supervised that, and everybody agrees with that.

Oh….the doctors are also prescribing and supervising this…..thank you, I get it.

Let’s see what else I’ve got here….Oh..

I’m worried that I’ll revert to square one if I take medication now, losing all the gain I’ve made, and will have to go through every single experience all over again just to get to this point and re-choose.

GOD: Are you kidding? Yes, given there’s something here you’re afraid of, it’s quite possible it will resurface at some point. But you’ve made incredible strides. A year ago you thought two nights without sleep would send you into constant anxiety attacks and insanity; now you’ve gone into the depths and learned you’re OK. You’ve increased your range of sensation enormously. You’ve found a new relationship to tiredness and to anxiety. You’ve learned you can go through a whole night feeling intensely uncomfortable sensations, and invite them in to the point they feel pleasurable. You’ve learned that in the midst of sensation that would normally have you miserable, you can actually have a really good time. You’ve learned you have depth of emotion and feeling you may never be able to comprehend. You know there is deep past pain within you, and have learned how to release it. You can now reach out to people for support, and show yourself in a way you never did before. You glimpse that there’s a part of you that is steady, solid and aware in the midst of panic and exhaustion and even depression. You’ve glimpsed your amazing arrogance that has set you above and apart from people, and know suspect that every human being has incredible potential for suffering, and to handle suffering. You’ve glimpsed how much your mind has run the whole show, generating emotions, which generate more thoughts etc. These, and other such glimpses have prepared you other insights to come….kind of like we’re paving the way. You can feel more in your body now – the lows, and the highs, while before this you didn’t even know where your body was unless you had to masturbate. You have practiced feeling into your inner energy field, and living a little more in your body, instead of 100% in your mind – what a step. You sometimes remember that a feeling or anxiety or depression is just a feeling, something going on right now – it’s not your world, and that it will pass. You’ve gone into areas that you were never willing to look at before, and come through the other side. Your deep compassion for people who are suffering has been re-awakened. This experience has your full attention – you’re now more interested in people, in nature, and in service. Am I boring you yet?

D: Ummm….thanks. I get it. What else…..

I’m worried the medication may not work.

GOD: Newsflash! You’re worried about pretty much everything right now – that’s part of the habit/biochemistry that’s operating. Why should this be any different? Being worried about the medication not working is exactly what the medication is designed to alieve.“I’m too scared to take my anti-anxiety medication!”. Can you hear the entire universe chuckling?

And if it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than you are now, so this worry doesn’t need to affect your decision.

D: What if I take the pills for 6 months, they work, but when I go off them I have anxiety and insomnia again? And I hear there’s a withdrawal that can be rough.

GOD: Firstly, you’ll have had 6 wonderful months of living! Secondly, you will have rested your system, perhaps ready and willing to dive into a new challenge afresh. Thirdly, you know on some level that you can handle it, it’s just been occurring as very unpleasant to you. Fourthly, every time you have an episode like this, you learn something; you get stronger.

Regarding the withdrawal, just knowing it is coming, and choosing when, makes a world of difference, don’t you think? You can set up extra support ahead of time.

And if you’re smart, you’ll use the 6 months of feeling good to bring some practices into your life that may shift your energy, and help you in the future. If you like, consider them an experiment. What would be smart practices to cultivate?

D: - 1 hour of exercise every, single, day- more time in nature, including living surrounded by quiet and trees- therapy to bring out the underlying issues troubling your psyche (now would seem a good time since they are so close to the surface)

- Developing practices to manage the anxiety. Examples are Qi Gong or Tai Chi, a relaxation/hypnosis technique, meditation, ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie, and Emotional Freedom Technique.IMPORTANT: Developing the practices while you’re feeling good is much easier than trying to learn them during periods of panic.

- exploring service to others, face to face- devote more energy to interaction in groups, and less to the independent lone-wolf approach

- practice bringing your awareness to your body’s inner energy field, and focus on what’s happening in the moment, as a way of withdrawing energy from the mind (i.e. Power of Now)

I would pick 2 or 3 as my main focus, and dabble in the rest. If they don’t shift the core of what’s troubling me, they will at least strengthen my foundation and give me more skills to draw on when life brings me an intense situation.

GOD: Now that’s really smart.

Of course, if you’re not smart, when you feel good on the medication you may forget all this and simply play, and we’ll have this conversation again the next time these feelings come up. Sound familiar?

D: I got it. Thanks God. I’m on it.