medication means broken?

D: There’s something wrong with me. I’m broken

GOD: How can something be wrong with you? You simply are. Where do you think those judgments come from? Your ego. Is that really what you want to listen to? It would seem that’s what’s causing the suffering.

D: Other people don’t go through this – shaking and screaming and crying and panicking and not sleeping for weeks on end. I must be different; I must be broken.

GOD: Have you looked around you? A huge percentage of people are on some kind of numbing medication so they don’t fully confront their feelings. Addiction is rampant to medication, drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, nicotine, sex, TV, work – and suppression of feeling leading to disease. Unfortunately my friend, you have removed all of these from your life, leaving you to be with you, and whatever there is that is ready to be felt.

D: But what’s causing all this? Why do I have fear in the middle of the night? I have some ideas, but what if they are not right?

GOD: Who cares? The ego does. Your mind wants to work everything out. How’s that working for you?

D: OK, even if you’re God, there’s no need to be a smart ass. It’s sucking as a method right now.

GOD: Ok then. So notice you’re mind wanting to work it out, and just let it try. Just keep watching it. You’ll never know for sure. Even if you feel certain, it might not be it. And in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is what you’re feeling, and what actions you choose. You ready to have some fun with it?

D: Oh yes.

GOD: When people ask you what the reason is, tell them you’re afraid of tigers. That you know it’s not rational, but you’re really worried a tiger might have escaped from the nearest zoo 500 miles away and made it’s way outside your bedroom window.

D: Um…thanks. Now…

I think I should be able to surrender to everything, to open to the fear and panic, and maybe even feel some kind of peace or bliss at the end.

GOD: Firstly, you’ve had enormous success with that, and you have found feelings of peace around it.

Secondly, stop ‘shoulding’ all over yourself. Again – where does that judgment come from? What divinity told you you SHOULD be anything?

D: Maybe I’m so close to some kind of pop into enlightenment – the worse it gets, the more likely the pop. Surely I have to keep going so I have this holy grail.

GOD: Is that your higher self tell you you HAVE to do this? Or your ego?

D: But doesn’t it make me a failure if I stop now and take medication?

GOD: I think we’ve covered this. Plus…

Who says you are stopping? Do you think your feelings will stop, or life will stop giving you challenges?

Also, it depends how you define the game. If the goal was to never experience anxiety for the rest of your life, killing yourself would be more certain. However if the goals was to go deeper than you have before, and face your deepest fear head on, then it would seem to me that you have won your game. If your goal was to move through the fear until you feel a sense of peace, have you forgotten you have done that several times over? In once case you had several days of peace, and felt good and comfortable and happy – again, a win.

I suggest you seriously take a look at the yard stick you’re using to assess your success.

D: I believe conquering a fear leads to more freedom, and a good way to conquer a fear is to face it, be with it, go into it.

GOD: These are true. And yet, consider how much freedom you’re feeling right now after 5 weeks of this. Does your sense of freedom increase by continuing, or by making a choice to alter the path. Do you really have freedom to choose?

And by your logic, what are you going to do about your fear of medication? Your fear of losing control to the medication. Are you willing to face that fear and go into it?

And more importantly – If you had one minute or one week to live, maybe you would choose to face all your fears instantly for the ultimate freedom. Would you?

D: No way, I’d want to walk in fields full of flowers with my partner by my side, and friends waiting for us at the end of the day.

GOD: Right. You want to enjoy life. Why are you screwing around with all this enlightenment bullshit. Oh sure – take the ride and push the boundaries and see what’s on the other side. That’s largely who you are. But is your ENTIRE life about that?

D: No. . I’m feeling right now that balance is important. I want to play the spiritual-push-back-my-boundaries game, and I want to play the this-is-fun-let’s-play game. And I guess I choose which one I want to play, and when.

GOD: By God (and I’m allowed to say that), I think he’s getting it.

And here’s the other thing for you, and I want you to listen closely. Even if your goal is to face all your fears before you die, don’t you think it’s kind of handy that I’ve given you a life expectancy of 72 years? (And for you I might be a little more lenient). Did I ever say you have to face all your fear in one sitting? At one time? Do you think it might be OK to take on as much as you’re willing to in one go, and then come back to it when you’re ready? If a coaching client of yours was afraid of public speaking, she did all the preparation leading to the speech, even did a couple of speeches while terrified, and then stopped for a while because she felt it was too much to handle, would you condemn her?

D: No, I’d congratulate her on the awesome work to even move in the direction of speaking. And to actually do a couple of speeches and feel all the feelings is a huge win. At some point, if it’s right for her, she’ll come back to it, and it’s likely that in the meantime she’ll receiving the right information at the right time that will prepare her for that. Wow! That was me! I did national speeches, but stopped because it didn’t feel good and I was too scared. But I always knew I’d come back to it, and when I did it was to 1000 people and I felt 100% present and ‘on’.

GOD: I’m glad you’re getting it.

D: What if this is the wrong decision to take medication?

GOD: How can anything really be wrong? Each decision simply takes you on a different path and gives you different experiences. You have forgotten that the power of choice is one of the greatest gifts you have; you may as well revel in it. You choose, and then take responsibility for the consequences – as a villain, not a victim.

And it’s not like this is a one-shot deal. If you take the medication, at any point you can decide to stop. And if you don’t take the medication, at any point you can decide to start.

You can also consider yourself a researcher – trying different things and experimenting to see what works for you.

I’m also wondering, do you know anyone who you respect who has used medication successfully?

D: Actually yes. I know some people who share my values and are living really wonderful lives. Two are using medication now, and some have used it for a time in the past, successfully. Oh…and I guess I’m one of them. I used it before and it worked really well. The only reason I stopped is because I wanted to learn more, and don’t want to take anything that’s not necessary, but it worked perfectly.

GOD: Hmmm – sounds like you should really be worried.

Look - choose not based on right or wrong, but on the experience you wish to have.

D: Well that’s easy. Right now I wish to have ease in my life. I wish to appreciate me, my partner, my family and friends, and to be present to love and joy.

But medication isn’t natural – what if it distorts things in a bad way?

GOD: Maybe it will. But did you hesitate to take novocaine at the dentist, or general anaesthetic during your appendectomy.

D: Well no, but the doctor prescribed and supervised that, and everybody agrees with that.

Oh….the doctors are also prescribing and supervising this…..thank you, I get it.

Let’s see what else I’ve got here….Oh..

I’m worried that I’ll revert to square one if I take medication now, losing all the gain I’ve made, and will have to go through every single experience all over again just to get to this point and re-choose.

GOD: Are you kidding? Yes, given there’s something here you’re afraid of, it’s quite possible it will resurface at some point. But you’ve made incredible strides. A year ago you thought two nights without sleep would send you into constant anxiety attacks and insanity; now you’ve gone into the depths and learned you’re OK. You’ve increased your range of sensation enormously. You’ve found a new relationship to tiredness and to anxiety. You’ve learned you can go through a whole night feeling intensely uncomfortable sensations, and invite them in to the point they feel pleasurable. You’ve learned that in the midst of sensation that would normally have you miserable, you can actually have a really good time. You’ve learned you have depth of emotion and feeling you may never be able to comprehend. You know there is deep past pain within you, and have learned how to release it. You can now reach out to people for support, and show yourself in a way you never did before. You glimpse that there’s a part of you that is steady, solid and aware in the midst of panic and exhaustion and even depression. You’ve glimpsed your amazing arrogance that has set you above and apart from people, and know suspect that every human being has incredible potential for suffering, and to handle suffering. You’ve glimpsed how much your mind has run the whole show, generating emotions, which generate more thoughts etc. These, and other such glimpses have prepared you other insights to come….kind of like we’re paving the way. You can feel more in your body now – the lows, and the highs, while before this you didn’t even know where your body was unless you had to masturbate. You have practiced feeling into your inner energy field, and living a little more in your body, instead of 100% in your mind – what a step. You sometimes remember that a feeling or anxiety or depression is just a feeling, something going on right now – it’s not your world, and that it will pass. You’ve gone into areas that you were never willing to look at before, and come through the other side. Your deep compassion for people who are suffering has been re-awakened. This experience has your full attention – you’re now more interested in people, in nature, and in service. Am I boring you yet?

D: Ummm….thanks. I get it. What else…..

I’m worried the medication may not work.

GOD: Newsflash! You’re worried about pretty much everything right now – that’s part of the habit/biochemistry that’s operating. Why should this be any different? Being worried about the medication not working is exactly what the medication is designed to alieve.“I’m too scared to take my anti-anxiety medication!”. Can you hear the entire universe chuckling?

And if it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than you are now, so this worry doesn’t need to affect your decision.

D: What if I take the pills for 6 months, they work, but when I go off them I have anxiety and insomnia again? And I hear there’s a withdrawal that can be rough.

GOD: Firstly, you’ll have had 6 wonderful months of living! Secondly, you will have rested your system, perhaps ready and willing to dive into a new challenge afresh. Thirdly, you know on some level that you can handle it, it’s just been occurring as very unpleasant to you. Fourthly, every time you have an episode like this, you learn something; you get stronger.

Regarding the withdrawal, just knowing it is coming, and choosing when, makes a world of difference, don’t you think? You can set up extra support ahead of time.

And if you’re smart, you’ll use the 6 months of feeling good to bring some practices into your life that may shift your energy, and help you in the future. If you like, consider them an experiment. What would be smart practices to cultivate?

D: - 1 hour of exercise every, single, day- more time in nature, including living surrounded by quiet and trees- therapy to bring out the underlying issues troubling your psyche (now would seem a good time since they are so close to the surface)

- Developing practices to manage the anxiety. Examples are Qi Gong or Tai Chi, a relaxation/hypnosis technique, meditation, ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie, and Emotional Freedom Technique.IMPORTANT: Developing the practices while you’re feeling good is much easier than trying to learn them during periods of panic.

- exploring service to others, face to face- devote more energy to interaction in groups, and less to the independent lone-wolf approach

- practice bringing your awareness to your body’s inner energy field, and focus on what’s happening in the moment, as a way of withdrawing energy from the mind (i.e. Power of Now)

I would pick 2 or 3 as my main focus, and dabble in the rest. If they don’t shift the core of what’s troubling me, they will at least strengthen my foundation and give me more skills to draw on when life brings me an intense situation.

GOD: Now that’s really smart.

Of course, if you’re not smart, when you feel good on the medication you may forget all this and simply play, and we’ll have this conversation again the next time these feelings come up. Sound familiar?

D: I got it. Thanks God. I’m on it.

A lesson from Dune

It takes a strong act of faith. When the feelings seem unbearable, and something inside is screaming to run away….what does it take to stay with the feeling, and allow it?

In the sci-fi best seller Dune, a 10 year old boy is tested to see if he is worthy of training in the magical arts. They insert his hand into a hi-tech box, and tell him if he withdraws his hand before the test is over, the poisoned thorn at his neck will puncture his vein and he will die. As the test begins he feels his hand is being incinerated. It takes every ounce of will power he possesses to keep his hand in the box, feeling it’s being burned to a cinder, yet knowing if he withdraws it he will die. When the test ends and he withdraws his hand, he expects to see it charred to a cinder. Yet, the hand is unharmed – the box simply generated sensation.

This seems to be the spiritual process – to go beyond the mind. When everything in the mind is screaming ‘danger!’, and it seems there could be some sort of death or other huge fear – there’s something else that can say ‘it’s OK. This is an illusion. If you jump off this cliff you will land safe and sound – perhaps more ‘you’ than you were before.
It seems to take a strong act of faith to go into one’s greatest fears, believing them to be smoke and mirrors.

I’ve proven I can accept ‘what is’ for a while. I can be brave and have breakthroughs for a time. Sometimes hours, and on a bigger scale weeks and months. And then a point comes when inside I run like a scared rabbit and resist – also known as freaking out. At this point my mind is coming up with all sorts of problems and reasons and worries. It says “this has gone on too long; I’m not making progress; it will be like this forever; it’s not healthy to feel this; something is broken and needs to be fixed; this is too much to handle.” At this point I desperately want to check out – and take a pill to numb the process.

Last night I had a friend there to point out there WAS progress, even though I couldn’t see it. A few hours of panic and I was assuming everything was futile. But he pointed out that the periods of time where I was grounded and accepting were increasing in length. The periods of time where I was panicking and resisting were shorter in length. The number of experiences I had of accepting the sensations, and the durations of that acceptance, were increasing. The intensity of sensation/feeling I could handle was also increasing.

When the panicked mind wants to take over, when it seems your hand is being charred to a cinder, faith, and friends, help.

Part III - Resisting

After my 3 hour freak out, I actually had a good time for a while today – feeling full and nourished and safe. Until I laid down at 7pm to rest my body, and it was feeling time again. I went to bed and after 10 minutes felt a rush of energy through my body, heart beating faster. I said “NO. I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want a night of sleeplessness. I don’t want a day tomorrow feeling exhausted and anxious and crying. I accepted everything the night before, and still had 3 hours of freaking out during the day - feeling like the fear and despair was too intense to handle. It’s hopeless”.

So I got up feeling anxious, and started preparing and justifying my plan to make things easier with a sleeping pill.

At the same time, I could see how much I didn’t want to feel my feelings. How scared I was of lying down and feeling what might come. And I wondered what it would be like to fully surrender – to go there.

I found a good friend who said ‘when you’re wired, you’re the one keeping yourself wired. If you just allowed it all, it could cycle through’. I suddenly saw that resistance – feeling anxious about it, worrying about the future, getting up and moving around, distracting myself, avoiding the feeling at all costs – was much more expensive than I thought. It must have LOOKED like a good idea to my ego. It must have LOOKED like it would be productive and protect me in some way. But if my resistance to feeling pain and discomfort was actually causing MORE pain and discomfort – and perhaps in a perpetual cycle – then resistance is VERY VERY costly.
Put another way, Eckarte Tolle says that resistance creates more ego to burn through. I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but now I notice that when I suffer and panic during an experience (now known as resistance), I have more to cry about the next day. i.e. what every past stuff I’m feeling and releasing, I now have my scary suffering experience to feel and release.

So….

Perhaps it’s better to feel everything, no matter how terrifying or how much the mind is worried and shouting. Perhaps in the long run it will be easier. Perhaps, ultimately, it’s the only way.

I chose to go back to my room, turn off the light and lay down….with myself. After about 10 minutes I felt a cold energy rush through my body, and my heart beat faster. I lay with it. I tuned in more deeply to the vibration I could feel in my body (the inner energy field), and was aware of my whole body and what it felt. I could feel this ‘vibration’ or energy that felt alien to me very clearly, and everywhere. In a sense I ‘opened’, allowing all the sensation, embracing it, inviting it in. “You’re welcome here” was my attitude.

After a few minutes it passed, and I heard my thoughts say “Is that all you’ve got?”. Knowing I’d survived one wave gave me courage to face more, so I lay there for an hour feeling the waves as they came. A flash of a thought about what I might feel like tomorrow, and a wave came through. No problem – feeling it all, with nothing to change. After an hour I got up, feeling calm, chatted with my buddy Kal, and went back to bed to feel, to allow my body to feel what it will. At the mercy of my thinking and worry, but allowing it all – unworried about the worry.

I woke up 3-4 hours later, 4am, grateful for the most solid sleep in 72 hours. On laying down again I was disappointed to find more energy coming through, and that sleep didn’t come. So I lay with it for a few hours, dozing on occasion. In the end, continuing the practice of acceptance, I got another hour of sleep and woke to enjoy a dozy, warm, stretchy feeling that I’d wanted for months.

My commitment today is to be with every feeling, allowing it. Including any feelings triggered by worry or anxiety about what might come. I realize I may go into panic/resistance and want to ‘run away’ again inside when the feelings are very intense – that way of being is getting more and more familiar. Fortunately I have friends to remind me, and find the way back into allowing, feeling – not ‘running’.

Part II - Medication

After my night of ‘Acceptance’, I had three hours where I felt I couldn’t take the sensation – feeling panicked and scared and looking for anyway out. The idea of ‘checking out’ with a sleeping pill kept coming up. However…

I’ve been so ‘hexed’ around medication. This means I have judged it, and myself for taking it , as bad, and whenever someone confirms that point of view I go down. By medication I’m talking suppressants – sleeping pills, tranquilizers, anti-depressants, mood-enhancers. My views have been: “Medication is bad; people who take it are weak; it means something is broken; if I take it, I’m just delaying the inevitable; I’m missing out on huge spiritual growth; I should be stronger; I could be harming my body; I’m a failure; my friends will lose respect for me; my friends may shun me”. Interestingly, my ego comes up with all these judgments, and my ego is the very source of the trouble I want the medication for!

These points of view gave me no freedom, and I felt backed into a corner with no choice. Which should be a clue that it might be an illusion.

To make it worse, I’ve surrounded myself with spiritually minded people who have strong view points just like mine. At the mild level this is: “It’s best to let the body heal everything naturally”. At the strong level this is: “Medication is bad, and it is wrong to take it”.

On the other hand….

I see now that I tend to be extreme, seeing things in black and white. When I decided on a charity project, I shot for $10m – despite no experience. When I go for spiritual growth, I try and do it 100% and be brave and handle everything – all at once. When I learned to snow board all the beginner runs were closed. My companion – a complete jerk - took me to the top of the mountain on my first day, and secured a promise that I would keep the board on all the way down the mountain – with only intermediate runs available. It’s next to impossible, and I was crying by the time I reached the bottom – although on the last run down to the lodge I absolutely nailed it. But that approach is not fun!

And yet – isn’t one of the great things about being human the fact that we can choose? One of the delicious things in life is we can often choose how intense the ride will be. My buddy Reid said: “Suppose you’re a Formula One race car driver. On your first day of training, you don’t go out and race at full speed. Sometimes you’ll want to slow it down. If you want to take a sleeping pill to smooth it out at some point, that’s your option”.

My friends at the More House told me “Everything you do is right. You’re always making the best decisions you know how to. God gave us chemistry; how could it be wrong to use it?”

And just this moment I flash on this nugget: “Almost all my friends who I’m worried will judge me, have used medication at some point in their lives!”. One of my amazing guides in this process was a drug user and then a drug counselor. A good friend of mine who has a wonderful full life has been using an anti-depressant for years. And last night in talking to a friend, I realized I was holding back that I was thinking of taking a sleeping pill; I was ashamed to tell her. And what do you know? I found that this Goddess – this fountain of life, this incredibly powerful being – is taking a mood-enhancing drug. She want through all the judgments I have, she experienced life without it, and decided her life was better with a little chemical adjustment. I couldn’t believe it! In me all I had was judgment, but seeing this example of a vibrant human being – I could accept and love and approve.

I spoke to a brilliant man yesterday who seems to know a bit about everything in the universe. He’d grown up around pharmacology, and lives a very switched-on, turned on, fulfilling life surrounded by amazing people. I was surprised he didn’t say “drugs are bad; the only way to a fulfilling life is to feel it all cold turkey, no matter how intense it is”. Instead he said when our chemistry is out of balance, medication can help bring it back into balance. He also said medication alone will not work – the rest of our lives need to be in order, including exercise, diet and DEEP CONNECTION with people (something our society doesn’t support). Pills aren’t necessary, but they can assist in smoothing the way.

I felt such a freedom in having my intuition confirmed. I intuit there is a great spiritual lesson here for me. I intuit that this is a test of some kind; a purification. I know that when we go into our fears, we create personal freedom. And that this ripples out and affects other ‘mind-bound’ people, and, helps to free the planet. I believe this is our purpose on the planet – to unlock those unconscious, tight places in ourselves. This is my purpose: to do this for myself, and then to guide others, with humor, love and curiosity.

At the same time I sense that we have choice – we can choose the speed and intensity of the ride. We don’t have to learn snowboarding on the intermediate runs. We can take on what we feel ‘ready’ for – and in the end it’s all a game. As my friend Beth says: “It’s all research”. Oops – do you think I may be taking any of this a touch too seriously? Is it actually possible to have fun with this whole process, and not have to be a spiritual samurai at every moment? Ha!

Having decided that I could take a sleeping pill if I wanted to, and enjoy it….Having come to a place where I saw I was CHOOSING to take this spiritual test at this level of intensity, not forced to….

I decided to turn out the light, lay down and go into the feelings….

Part I - Allowing All

Monday night I had a big breakthrough. I’ve always wondered what to do when I’m trying to sleep, and really strong sensations come up in my body – ones that have looked like fear or panic: Heart beating, cold energy rushing through my body. Do I get out of bed so I don’t associate panic with bed and sleep, so I don’t go into some mind spiral that I can’t get out of? Put my attention on something else as people keep suggesting?

This time Kal suggested I go a little deeper with it. Stay with the sensation a little longer, and see how long I can be with it before I get up and shift it. So I gave it a shot!

I’m proud to say I invited the feelings in, and lay still while the energy coursed throughout my body. For 7 hours I lay in bed, allowing the feelings. At one stage it actually felt pleasurable, and I found myself smiling and welcoming the sensations. I didn’t have the experience of actually sleeping or waking up – it seemed as if I was conscious the whole night. Yet in the morning I sat up and wrote down 5 very powerful dreams. Dreams that pointed towards some of my fears.

I realize I can choose to worry about this – that I’m ‘losing it’, or I can see it as something deep is ‘breaking up’, and available for feeling and release. I like the second viewpoint ;-)

This was a huge breakthrough. I barely slept, I felt very scary feelings and sensations, but instead of a night of panic and freaking out, I had a night of calm.

The Spiritual Warrior

What does it take to sit with something? To feel a sensation that has always sent you running for the hills, that I have always resisted? Something that has me feel I MUST sleep so it stops. Or a feeling of ‘rising panic’ that leads to seemingly compulsive and automatic and unstoppable thinking of “Oh my God I have to stop this what’s going to happen I can’t handle it I’m out of control I might die my body might be in danger”. This increases the feelings and so on.

What does it take to sit with such a feeling, and do nothing? When I want to collapse into crying and tears and frustration and just shake and sob and tantrum because it’s all too much and it’s not fair and it’s gone on for so long and there’s no end in sight…AH HA! These are not feelings. This is the mind collapsed with feeling. These are the thoughts that intertwine the body so as to seem one in the same. Yet they are distinct.

So what does it take to feel such a feeling? To let the mind go, or to not pay attention to it. The mind that’s trying to ‘save’ you.

Practically it may help to say “I’m not going to fix this, I’ll be OK, it’s not real. It’s OK mind, I’m here, and everything is OK, you can take a rest. It’s OK body, I’m here. And you’re OK. We can feel this. We can explore this. We can find out what
THIS experience is, fully. I wonder what’s next?”This courage, this willingness to be with the feelings, without changing anything, is the heart of the spiritual warrior. The core. This drive to feel everything, without pharmaceuticals, to allow the body to naturally deal without whatever comes, and ultimately to trust in a higher, bigger process outside ourselves, is the badge that signifies our membership to a special club.

And then something seems to open up. Being willing to risk and face my worst fears – insanity, panic attacks, an endless anxiety loop, and, I suspect, death – has provided a new level of freedom. In the short term, after 4 days of little sleep, it has allowed me to sleep peacefully for a full 8 hours! It’s allowed me to glimpse an expanded view of myself – greater than the frantic mind, the screaming feelings, and the writhing sprinting body. Going fully into my feelings without trying to change them, and seeing that I’m still alive leaves me much more willing to allow the mind to rest. Before, I unconsciously believed my mind had to be running non stop to find a way out – to save my life. After years of realizing that didn’t work, and seeing NO OTHER WAY OUT – I finally tried not fixing it, and not using the mind to ‘save’ me. Having seen that this method actually – again, after a long four days – worked, I seem much more willing to let the mind rest and feel. It’s OK. It’s just intense sensation. “Oh but it might not end and you might be awake all night and you might be crying and you might feel devastatingly lonely and there might be noone awake for miles around and it might start an anxiety loop that you never come out of – and fuck it, I was so close to sleeping if I could just let go of this I could drift and have another 4 hours sleep I’m so close just focus just focus it’s not fucking fair I don’t even know where this is coming from there’s NO REASON FOR ME TO BE AFRAID why is this happening to me just calm down it doesn’t matter you’re OK really it will be alright God this is sad I’ve had this for 20 years it will be forever” (Heart is pounding faster, neck and shoulders tighten further, tingling shoots up the arms). This is the opportunity to ‘deeply feel the moment’. To notice the mind resisting like crazy, and to feel the sensations – without labeling them (after all the labels come from the mind, so calling something fear or anger or intense just invites the mind to comment further on it and the Loop continues) – and see what arises. “Oh but how long do I have to do this? I’ve done it for 20 minutes now and it hasn’t stopped – will it ever end? This really sucks”. Come back to the feelings, the body, what’s actually happening.

So, it not just takes the heart of a spiritual warrior; it takes faith. It takes faith that this process is BETTER for you than the mind constantly thinking a way out. And this is hard as a motherfucker after 40 years of the mind running everything.I don’t see why someone would bother trying this scary uncomfortable path – to break the deeply embedded habit – unless they were facing deep pain. When you’ve really had enough of the pain, everything you’ve tried hasn’t worked, and you can’t see any other way out – then in desperation you may turn inwards, into the feelings. I didn’t trust the process – but I tried the process, seeing no other option.

And now I See. With tears streaming down my face and my body sobbing (while fully aware and noticing the beautiful release), I Know that this…..is surrender. This addresses the very core of my operating system and how I have lived until now. I have tried to control everything, for when I wasn’t in control, some very, very bad things happened. So I will handle it. I will do everything. I will take care of everything – and better than you can. Get out of my way I need to take care of myself.

To allow myself to feel, without fixing or changing – to go beyond the mind is truly to surrender and open myself up to the vulnerable to the universe. I am no longer in control.

I was backed into a corner, snarling and gouging, and then rolled over on my back with my arms and legs spread and my belly to the world.

This is my gateway. This feeling of that which I don’t want to feel, this not knowing how to change or fix it or what might happen…..this surrender to what is…..is a gateway to a whole new pair of eyes, a whole new way of being – a fresh vibrancy and peace and depth of …..something.

Awakening Through Pain - A Summary of the last 3 Months

I write from the Harbin Hot Springs cafe, CA, on this rainy foggy day. Feeling comfortably tired and peaceful, I reflect that it's been an intense journey these last three months. Feeling tired and 'down' almost every day was worrying and uncomfortable. And when I stopped sleeping three weeks ago I had a choice: take sleeping pills to smooth it out, or 'go natural' and face every scary, icky, tense, exposed screaming feeling that comes up.
I'm proud to say I took the latter path, and at one point had a friend with me for 36 hours straight as I felt every feeling that came up. Ouch!
For a guy who's biggest fear is being exhausted and going into an anxiety loop at the same time, it was a wild experience to have nights with 90 minutes and even 20 minutes sleep. There were several times that were it not for my guide pointing out that craving a sleeping pill was my mind trying to protect me, so I could avoid the feelings, I would have definitely popped that ambient that kept (falsely) promising me blissful sleep.
I came out the other side. Not knowing how much longer I could 'keep going', on 20 minutes sleep and with Xanax in my pocket, I boarded a 5 hour flight for San Francisco next to two screaming kids. I gathered valuable evidence that my body can handle extraordinary things.

I HAVE LEARNED
- I don't actually need to worry about sleeping
- I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I often forget and think I can't handle it and inside run away from it
- Running from the feelings can be intense, or very subtle. I could be physically attacking someone, or wishing the bus would show up. 'Resistance' seems a good word to cover this wide range. Resistance is a good clue, a flag to say: "what am I feeling that I don't want to feel?"
- I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I don't need my mind running so incessantly now, because everything is OK, and I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I'm getting in touch with my body, becoming aware of what I'm feeling (which withdraws energy from the mind)
- Eckhart Tolle is my guy! This is my fourth time going into 'The Power of Now' book, and this venture is deeper than every before.
- I have been living almost entirely in the past and future; rarely in the present. (I couldn't stay in the present, because my mind needed to 'look after me' and make sure I was in control of everything)
- It's fascinating seeing the difference between getting lost in the feelings (and thinking that's who we are), and watching/feeling what's happening - aware that it's simply something we're experiencing.
- I have been, for a long time, collapsing thoughts, emotions, and body sensations into one. Something occurs to me as simply a bad feeling, or 'that bitch doesn’t love me'. But now I can see there are three components: 1) a bunch of thoughts ('she doesn't love me', 'she doesn't care about me', 'I can't trust her', 'she'll leave me'), which fuel...2) strong emotions (e.g. I'm sad, depressed, angry, scared - all of them labeled by the mind, and which generate more thoughts, which keep the emotions going in a nasty pattern. I guess you could call this a system, almost a living entity. Maybe an id-entity. And 3) sensations in the body. Something kicks in now and says "where is this in the body? What's actually happening?" I may find it's simply a slightly increased heart beat, a little pressure in my chest, or a tightness in my stomach. None of these are actually problems! Sometimes it feels intense, but when I remember I can handle anything, it becomes a 'ride'. For it to be a problem, I need my mind. I need to create time and think about how long this has gone on, how it might never end, how things could get worse etc. When I focus on the sensations, after a while I sometimes can't even access the emotions. It's like the motor driving these unhappy feelings has slowed to a stop.

What do you feel in your body? Sadness, upset, fear, hoplessness.
No – in your body? Ummm – well. I don’t know. Oh – I have to go inside! OK – ummm…well, I can’t find those things in my body. My body feels OK. Just some tight muscles are a little sore – no big deal. Oh – now I don’t feel sad or afraid. I just feel really tired. (Still not sure what that is). The emotions seem to live in the mind. My body is actually quite fine. What might it be like to live in the body for a while? And to take attention off the mind?

- Recognizing feelings have an old source, and discharging them in the presence of someone loving you, is helpful
- This process has 'forced' me to reach out to people, which is the next step in my evolution. For 2 weeks I've been living next door/with a community of wonderful, fun, loving people. Reaching out, and feeling deep feelings in the presence of someone else is something I've learned to do in the past year. I used to think I had to feel it all on my own; not true. Ironically, it seems that connecting with people is something my physical system might need. (I'm about to read 'A General Theory of Love' which explains this)
- This feels like a doorway to a new way of living
- I can now practice this with other areas of life where I feel anything uncomfortable (and I wonder, maybe with the good feelings?)
- Most people would never seek or try this way of living unless they had no other choice (i.e. unless things get REALLY bad)
- I'm not sure what I want to do work-wise. (And the thing that juices me most right now is some kind of sleep clinic where people are supported through the night in feeling the emotions that come up, until they finally move through it all and sleep. Would love to hear your ideas, input and enthusiasm on this)

Late Night Ramblings (raw and uncensored - swearing may offend)

RAMBLINGS 1
And I flow open – kicking and screaming – well, after the kicking and screaming. Into the raging torrent that carries me – where? Into life?
Such terror, tiger, gouging, maiming abandoning. Tears flow in rivers of sadness as I feel. Feel. Feel. Gentle pulsing in my belly – pulsing for all life – for …..’others’. Wanting to work it out to control it to make everything safe. Projecting into the future and worrying about it.Nicole says to let myself go insane. The constant thinking – worrying about the apartment and how I might feel. The fact is I feel now! The feelings are now! I hate them – well, not now. I did hate them. So intense. So scary. Perhaps so intense that they throw and propel me into the future where I can imagine it even worse. She says allow that, allow the insanity, and it will collapse onto itself and realize it’s not important.

To really let go and be carried away into……death it seems, it feels – and It is death. To be carried away into death. To be with this moment – the not knowing……Ah ha! Right now I’m fine in every way. And then the mind says I may not be in the future. So all there is, is to feel what’s now. Keep being kind to myself. And there is progress – there is opening –there is releasing. She says on some level I know I’m OK. I don’t need my mind to work it out. If not, I wouldn’t be feeling all this.

RAMBLINGS 2
I feel sick. Sick in my stomach – just mildly. My neck is tight, so tight, tense like a torture rack coiled to scream. The heat is too high. Kris is being wonderful. Yet it’s 2am – well fuck the time. I’d like to rest, to relax. And I’m not. My heart is beating – in a loop. I’m so fucking sick of this. You know – I’m not sure this is the right thing to do. I could so easily take a pill now, then move to a hotel for a couple of nights. This place just isn’t the best for me right now. I could medicate myself all the way to Australia and then smooth things out. Or……

I can feel this. This moment. This moment that I hate. What is it? Tightness. Tight tummy. Nervous. Mainly a dull heaviness in my head. And as I focus on this, I’m feeling tired. So – to be present. To feel the anxiety come up and to be with it – in this there may be a dropping off. With or without ear plugs – I just don’t know. Then there’s meditation. There’s hypnosis CD to relax. Then there’s sleeping with Kris. And above it all – this moment. Kris would wake up and listen to me if I needed it.

I want so much to escape this – to stop feeling like this. I may ‘fall apart’. The rising panic – the loneliness. The worry about the future. How can I cope? Well – of course I can’t cope with the future. But I can cope with now. By feeling into it? By going deeper into the now? Fucking easy to say.

RAMBLINGS 3 - 2am
2am
MY FIRST THOUGHT on realizing I’ve spent 3 hours in bed without really sleeping is “This is a bitch”. I’m even in a nice hotel with total quiet – everything I could want – and still not sleeping.

AHHHHH! FUCK.

Why am I not taking a sleeping pill? I’ve made it through 6 months. I’ve made it through sleepless crying screaming nights with 20 minutes sleep – and proven to myself I can handle it. Why not take one and have a lovely sleep? Give myself a break – a rest - a treat? Ahhhh – so tempting. In other words, big resistance to what’s happening.

On further enquiry – things are really good. Sure I feel dozy tired – but that’s not the problem. The only problem is in a mind-projected future. How will I feel tomorrow? Will my feelings be too much to handle? Will I feel exhausted or worse – exhausted and panicky? Will I not perform to people’s expectations? Will they want something I don’t feel up to doing? Will I miss out on the hot meeting with Megan and Kristina?

Without these thoughts and these viewpoints, I realize I’m enjoying the serenity of the hotel. I’m enjoying how comfy this bed feels. (After all I just spent 3 hours in it without getting up to watch casino royale, so something must have been working). I’m enjoying the quiet sleeping support of Kristina (who just got up to pee and said “I’m here for you baby. And I’ll get up and give you a mini massage if you want”). I’m enjoying knowing that Kal, Racheli and Alisha are just a phone call away – and even 5 blocks walk if it comes to that. I love the fun I’ve been having with people, and the constant message I keep getting from everyone, including myself: “Everything’s OK. Everything’s good. Now, what’s fun?” I’m enjoying this new community which has perhaps appeared to help me relax into the world, as I did when I was 5. And I’m enjoying this journaling.

I don’t like that fact that my heart pounds when I hear someone walking overhead, or a horn on the street or a clunk in the pipes. I haven’t come to terms with that yet – with feeling fear or sometimes terror lying in bed. So there’s the resistance. When I can feel strong fear, and not mind the fear, what happens to the fear? What an extraordinary thing to become friends with it – to…..allow it. Well, after a year of this ‘thing’ kicking up, I’m starting to – big leaps and bounds in feeling. There’s more to feel. It’s often not pleasant and sometimes a lot scary, but I’m up for it.And so that’s why I’m not taking a sleeping pill. I believe there’s something deeper for me in this experience – a deeper lesson here about surrender, and feeling. A chance to suck the juice from every experience, including this one.

In these moments late at night, alone and tired and sad and bitching, what to do? No options seem attractive. But when I START – when I journal, read a book, do yoga, go for a walk, masturbate, shower, or call a friend – it feels good. Or perhaps when I finally decide to write a poem, play guitar, work on my book, listen to my hypnosis CD or creep into the warehouse and cuddle talk or cry with Kal, Racheli or Alisha – that too will feel good. I guess this is accepting what is. Saying ‘yes’ to the situation.


RAMBLINGS 4 - 10am
10am
6.5 hrs sleep – fucking thank you God!

I was sleeping on a ledge carved on the side of a cliff! Wire around my waist, and a guy slid my wire into a clip in the rock. But when I bumped the clip, it came out! If I moved a tiny bit in the night, my safety would come out and I’d plummet to my death. What a fucked system!I’m not safe. When I sleep, I might die. How might this happen? What kind of death?

As the tears and worry pour out my eyes and my body shakes softly – what does this mean? If I don’t pay attention – if I’m not vigilant – I might literally fucking die. Something could happen. When I wasn’t paying attention, my sister got hit by a fucking bus – so what happens if I drift off to sleep? If I’m not vigilant – paying attention – conscious – I could be wiped out. Or maybe someone else could be wiped out – perhaps I’ll wake up and Kristina will be gone.
This is the closest link I’ve ever felt to this bullshit academic hypothetical psychological fucked up theoretical story. It felt so unsafe on that cliff ledge. I just didn’t see how I could fall asleep knowing that my safety clip could be bumped out. It wasn’t solid.

Although there WAS a clip. It could have been locked in, instead of resting there. Does that show me that there is a safety net I could put in place if it was done properly? Or is the key to fall sleep on that ledge, being willing to die. Being willing to trust whatever happens – and roll over the edge into the abyss should that come to pass?

Grasshopper doesn’t fucking know.

RAMBLINGS 5
exposed, vulnerable, scared, angry.

Running naked through the world unsure of what will hit me at any time and from any angle. What bullet or unkind word will land? School kids, or an uncaring partner can get me at any time – can hurt me at any time. Could turn away and shun me, or gather and attack as one.

I feel so scared and exposed in this world. And out of control.

I’m so terrified of being uncared for. Of being left. Of being hurt. Of being turned against. I’ve let her in so deeply, which I want so much, and yet now it takes a blink to hurt. It takes a thought, or a lack of a thought to wound. As snot drips from my nose….my face glistens with damp stickiness….. a breath of peace finds me. A respite. And yet – is it SHE I’ve let inside me? Is she causing the pain? Or have I let a lamp inside me, to show me what’s there. To light the sore spots – the aching hurting spots – that can now see the light of day, and heal.

It seems ironic that last night (or at 8am can I still call it this night? Can I hold on to the night so there’s still time to get some sleep?) was my best night’s sleep in a week. So solid, so without hurt or pain. No struggle, just sleeping, with a couple of nice cuddles in between. When this was violated at 6:45 I felt SO unsafe. Like I couldn’t trust my partner. I couldn’t trust this person I let inside. Ah the dramatic sob story soap opera violation of it all. The intense betrayal – the massive selfish uncaring – that may be nothing of the sort. I blame her – this soft soul who laughs and rolls and wriggles when she’s not burrowed in her stony faced cave.

It comes down to: I’m not in control. And I weep for that.


RAMBLINGS 6 - BETRAYAL TO SOARING
While shaking and sobbing yesterday, I got a text from Kristina inviting me to breakfast to celebrate Sam’s send-off. It was difficult to go be around people in my introspective weepy place. But I ventured out, and found myself resonating with a crying Christina Berkley, while Racheli cried behind us on the coach – I mean couch. Then strangely enough I found myself turned on and kissing Kristina.

We had amazing sex, with K saying she’d never felt so much sensation in her body. It didn’t feel necessary for me to climax, and I found myself drifting off to sleep – for the first daytime nap in weeks! (And not for lack of trying – I’ve laid down dozens of times – just never drifted off). I woke up refreshed, and noticed that for perhaps the first time in weeks – I DIDN’T FEEL TIRED! Ahhhh….right now nothing could feel quite so sweet. I pranced around and told people, and felt Kal’s joy in his body when he heard.

So loving my girl – feels like we’re connecting more and more, and staying connected through the hard stuff. I so appreciate you all at OT and the support and love and juice and fun you are contributing to our lives.

RAMBLINGS 7
It felt like she’d been down for days, and I was sick of it. Why did she have to be negative about everything? Everything a problem?

I felt uncomfortable – bad, like it was my fault; I’d done something wrong. The worst part is she wasn’t pleasant or even really polite – the way she would be to a stranger. So I said that.

And now I see – I didn’t want to feel those feelings. I was judging her, resisting, wanting it to be different.

What would it be like to accept her how she is, without fixing or changing? To love her. To feel her. To lend silent support. To touch, to hold her. To embrace ALL of her.

Let’s find out.