Awakening Through Pain - A Summary of the last 3 Months

I write from the Harbin Hot Springs cafe, CA, on this rainy foggy day. Feeling comfortably tired and peaceful, I reflect that it's been an intense journey these last three months. Feeling tired and 'down' almost every day was worrying and uncomfortable. And when I stopped sleeping three weeks ago I had a choice: take sleeping pills to smooth it out, or 'go natural' and face every scary, icky, tense, exposed screaming feeling that comes up.
I'm proud to say I took the latter path, and at one point had a friend with me for 36 hours straight as I felt every feeling that came up. Ouch!
For a guy who's biggest fear is being exhausted and going into an anxiety loop at the same time, it was a wild experience to have nights with 90 minutes and even 20 minutes sleep. There were several times that were it not for my guide pointing out that craving a sleeping pill was my mind trying to protect me, so I could avoid the feelings, I would have definitely popped that ambient that kept (falsely) promising me blissful sleep.
I came out the other side. Not knowing how much longer I could 'keep going', on 20 minutes sleep and with Xanax in my pocket, I boarded a 5 hour flight for San Francisco next to two screaming kids. I gathered valuable evidence that my body can handle extraordinary things.

I HAVE LEARNED
- I don't actually need to worry about sleeping
- I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I often forget and think I can't handle it and inside run away from it
- Running from the feelings can be intense, or very subtle. I could be physically attacking someone, or wishing the bus would show up. 'Resistance' seems a good word to cover this wide range. Resistance is a good clue, a flag to say: "what am I feeling that I don't want to feel?"
- I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I don't need my mind running so incessantly now, because everything is OK, and I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I'm getting in touch with my body, becoming aware of what I'm feeling (which withdraws energy from the mind)
- Eckhart Tolle is my guy! This is my fourth time going into 'The Power of Now' book, and this venture is deeper than every before.
- I have been living almost entirely in the past and future; rarely in the present. (I couldn't stay in the present, because my mind needed to 'look after me' and make sure I was in control of everything)
- It's fascinating seeing the difference between getting lost in the feelings (and thinking that's who we are), and watching/feeling what's happening - aware that it's simply something we're experiencing.
- I have been, for a long time, collapsing thoughts, emotions, and body sensations into one. Something occurs to me as simply a bad feeling, or 'that bitch doesn’t love me'. But now I can see there are three components: 1) a bunch of thoughts ('she doesn't love me', 'she doesn't care about me', 'I can't trust her', 'she'll leave me'), which fuel...2) strong emotions (e.g. I'm sad, depressed, angry, scared - all of them labeled by the mind, and which generate more thoughts, which keep the emotions going in a nasty pattern. I guess you could call this a system, almost a living entity. Maybe an id-entity. And 3) sensations in the body. Something kicks in now and says "where is this in the body? What's actually happening?" I may find it's simply a slightly increased heart beat, a little pressure in my chest, or a tightness in my stomach. None of these are actually problems! Sometimes it feels intense, but when I remember I can handle anything, it becomes a 'ride'. For it to be a problem, I need my mind. I need to create time and think about how long this has gone on, how it might never end, how things could get worse etc. When I focus on the sensations, after a while I sometimes can't even access the emotions. It's like the motor driving these unhappy feelings has slowed to a stop.

What do you feel in your body? Sadness, upset, fear, hoplessness.
No – in your body? Ummm – well. I don’t know. Oh – I have to go inside! OK – ummm…well, I can’t find those things in my body. My body feels OK. Just some tight muscles are a little sore – no big deal. Oh – now I don’t feel sad or afraid. I just feel really tired. (Still not sure what that is). The emotions seem to live in the mind. My body is actually quite fine. What might it be like to live in the body for a while? And to take attention off the mind?

- Recognizing feelings have an old source, and discharging them in the presence of someone loving you, is helpful
- This process has 'forced' me to reach out to people, which is the next step in my evolution. For 2 weeks I've been living next door/with a community of wonderful, fun, loving people. Reaching out, and feeling deep feelings in the presence of someone else is something I've learned to do in the past year. I used to think I had to feel it all on my own; not true. Ironically, it seems that connecting with people is something my physical system might need. (I'm about to read 'A General Theory of Love' which explains this)
- This feels like a doorway to a new way of living
- I can now practice this with other areas of life where I feel anything uncomfortable (and I wonder, maybe with the good feelings?)
- Most people would never seek or try this way of living unless they had no other choice (i.e. unless things get REALLY bad)
- I'm not sure what I want to do work-wise. (And the thing that juices me most right now is some kind of sleep clinic where people are supported through the night in feeling the emotions that come up, until they finally move through it all and sleep. Would love to hear your ideas, input and enthusiasm on this)