Late Night Ramblings (raw and uncensored - swearing may offend)

RAMBLINGS 1
And I flow open – kicking and screaming – well, after the kicking and screaming. Into the raging torrent that carries me – where? Into life?
Such terror, tiger, gouging, maiming abandoning. Tears flow in rivers of sadness as I feel. Feel. Feel. Gentle pulsing in my belly – pulsing for all life – for …..’others’. Wanting to work it out to control it to make everything safe. Projecting into the future and worrying about it.Nicole says to let myself go insane. The constant thinking – worrying about the apartment and how I might feel. The fact is I feel now! The feelings are now! I hate them – well, not now. I did hate them. So intense. So scary. Perhaps so intense that they throw and propel me into the future where I can imagine it even worse. She says allow that, allow the insanity, and it will collapse onto itself and realize it’s not important.

To really let go and be carried away into……death it seems, it feels – and It is death. To be carried away into death. To be with this moment – the not knowing……Ah ha! Right now I’m fine in every way. And then the mind says I may not be in the future. So all there is, is to feel what’s now. Keep being kind to myself. And there is progress – there is opening –there is releasing. She says on some level I know I’m OK. I don’t need my mind to work it out. If not, I wouldn’t be feeling all this.

RAMBLINGS 2
I feel sick. Sick in my stomach – just mildly. My neck is tight, so tight, tense like a torture rack coiled to scream. The heat is too high. Kris is being wonderful. Yet it’s 2am – well fuck the time. I’d like to rest, to relax. And I’m not. My heart is beating – in a loop. I’m so fucking sick of this. You know – I’m not sure this is the right thing to do. I could so easily take a pill now, then move to a hotel for a couple of nights. This place just isn’t the best for me right now. I could medicate myself all the way to Australia and then smooth things out. Or……

I can feel this. This moment. This moment that I hate. What is it? Tightness. Tight tummy. Nervous. Mainly a dull heaviness in my head. And as I focus on this, I’m feeling tired. So – to be present. To feel the anxiety come up and to be with it – in this there may be a dropping off. With or without ear plugs – I just don’t know. Then there’s meditation. There’s hypnosis CD to relax. Then there’s sleeping with Kris. And above it all – this moment. Kris would wake up and listen to me if I needed it.

I want so much to escape this – to stop feeling like this. I may ‘fall apart’. The rising panic – the loneliness. The worry about the future. How can I cope? Well – of course I can’t cope with the future. But I can cope with now. By feeling into it? By going deeper into the now? Fucking easy to say.

RAMBLINGS 3 - 2am
2am
MY FIRST THOUGHT on realizing I’ve spent 3 hours in bed without really sleeping is “This is a bitch”. I’m even in a nice hotel with total quiet – everything I could want – and still not sleeping.

AHHHHH! FUCK.

Why am I not taking a sleeping pill? I’ve made it through 6 months. I’ve made it through sleepless crying screaming nights with 20 minutes sleep – and proven to myself I can handle it. Why not take one and have a lovely sleep? Give myself a break – a rest - a treat? Ahhhh – so tempting. In other words, big resistance to what’s happening.

On further enquiry – things are really good. Sure I feel dozy tired – but that’s not the problem. The only problem is in a mind-projected future. How will I feel tomorrow? Will my feelings be too much to handle? Will I feel exhausted or worse – exhausted and panicky? Will I not perform to people’s expectations? Will they want something I don’t feel up to doing? Will I miss out on the hot meeting with Megan and Kristina?

Without these thoughts and these viewpoints, I realize I’m enjoying the serenity of the hotel. I’m enjoying how comfy this bed feels. (After all I just spent 3 hours in it without getting up to watch casino royale, so something must have been working). I’m enjoying the quiet sleeping support of Kristina (who just got up to pee and said “I’m here for you baby. And I’ll get up and give you a mini massage if you want”). I’m enjoying knowing that Kal, Racheli and Alisha are just a phone call away – and even 5 blocks walk if it comes to that. I love the fun I’ve been having with people, and the constant message I keep getting from everyone, including myself: “Everything’s OK. Everything’s good. Now, what’s fun?” I’m enjoying this new community which has perhaps appeared to help me relax into the world, as I did when I was 5. And I’m enjoying this journaling.

I don’t like that fact that my heart pounds when I hear someone walking overhead, or a horn on the street or a clunk in the pipes. I haven’t come to terms with that yet – with feeling fear or sometimes terror lying in bed. So there’s the resistance. When I can feel strong fear, and not mind the fear, what happens to the fear? What an extraordinary thing to become friends with it – to…..allow it. Well, after a year of this ‘thing’ kicking up, I’m starting to – big leaps and bounds in feeling. There’s more to feel. It’s often not pleasant and sometimes a lot scary, but I’m up for it.And so that’s why I’m not taking a sleeping pill. I believe there’s something deeper for me in this experience – a deeper lesson here about surrender, and feeling. A chance to suck the juice from every experience, including this one.

In these moments late at night, alone and tired and sad and bitching, what to do? No options seem attractive. But when I START – when I journal, read a book, do yoga, go for a walk, masturbate, shower, or call a friend – it feels good. Or perhaps when I finally decide to write a poem, play guitar, work on my book, listen to my hypnosis CD or creep into the warehouse and cuddle talk or cry with Kal, Racheli or Alisha – that too will feel good. I guess this is accepting what is. Saying ‘yes’ to the situation.


RAMBLINGS 4 - 10am
10am
6.5 hrs sleep – fucking thank you God!

I was sleeping on a ledge carved on the side of a cliff! Wire around my waist, and a guy slid my wire into a clip in the rock. But when I bumped the clip, it came out! If I moved a tiny bit in the night, my safety would come out and I’d plummet to my death. What a fucked system!I’m not safe. When I sleep, I might die. How might this happen? What kind of death?

As the tears and worry pour out my eyes and my body shakes softly – what does this mean? If I don’t pay attention – if I’m not vigilant – I might literally fucking die. Something could happen. When I wasn’t paying attention, my sister got hit by a fucking bus – so what happens if I drift off to sleep? If I’m not vigilant – paying attention – conscious – I could be wiped out. Or maybe someone else could be wiped out – perhaps I’ll wake up and Kristina will be gone.
This is the closest link I’ve ever felt to this bullshit academic hypothetical psychological fucked up theoretical story. It felt so unsafe on that cliff ledge. I just didn’t see how I could fall asleep knowing that my safety clip could be bumped out. It wasn’t solid.

Although there WAS a clip. It could have been locked in, instead of resting there. Does that show me that there is a safety net I could put in place if it was done properly? Or is the key to fall sleep on that ledge, being willing to die. Being willing to trust whatever happens – and roll over the edge into the abyss should that come to pass?

Grasshopper doesn’t fucking know.

RAMBLINGS 5
exposed, vulnerable, scared, angry.

Running naked through the world unsure of what will hit me at any time and from any angle. What bullet or unkind word will land? School kids, or an uncaring partner can get me at any time – can hurt me at any time. Could turn away and shun me, or gather and attack as one.

I feel so scared and exposed in this world. And out of control.

I’m so terrified of being uncared for. Of being left. Of being hurt. Of being turned against. I’ve let her in so deeply, which I want so much, and yet now it takes a blink to hurt. It takes a thought, or a lack of a thought to wound. As snot drips from my nose….my face glistens with damp stickiness….. a breath of peace finds me. A respite. And yet – is it SHE I’ve let inside me? Is she causing the pain? Or have I let a lamp inside me, to show me what’s there. To light the sore spots – the aching hurting spots – that can now see the light of day, and heal.

It seems ironic that last night (or at 8am can I still call it this night? Can I hold on to the night so there’s still time to get some sleep?) was my best night’s sleep in a week. So solid, so without hurt or pain. No struggle, just sleeping, with a couple of nice cuddles in between. When this was violated at 6:45 I felt SO unsafe. Like I couldn’t trust my partner. I couldn’t trust this person I let inside. Ah the dramatic sob story soap opera violation of it all. The intense betrayal – the massive selfish uncaring – that may be nothing of the sort. I blame her – this soft soul who laughs and rolls and wriggles when she’s not burrowed in her stony faced cave.

It comes down to: I’m not in control. And I weep for that.


RAMBLINGS 6 - BETRAYAL TO SOARING
While shaking and sobbing yesterday, I got a text from Kristina inviting me to breakfast to celebrate Sam’s send-off. It was difficult to go be around people in my introspective weepy place. But I ventured out, and found myself resonating with a crying Christina Berkley, while Racheli cried behind us on the coach – I mean couch. Then strangely enough I found myself turned on and kissing Kristina.

We had amazing sex, with K saying she’d never felt so much sensation in her body. It didn’t feel necessary for me to climax, and I found myself drifting off to sleep – for the first daytime nap in weeks! (And not for lack of trying – I’ve laid down dozens of times – just never drifted off). I woke up refreshed, and noticed that for perhaps the first time in weeks – I DIDN’T FEEL TIRED! Ahhhh….right now nothing could feel quite so sweet. I pranced around and told people, and felt Kal’s joy in his body when he heard.

So loving my girl – feels like we’re connecting more and more, and staying connected through the hard stuff. I so appreciate you all at OT and the support and love and juice and fun you are contributing to our lives.

RAMBLINGS 7
It felt like she’d been down for days, and I was sick of it. Why did she have to be negative about everything? Everything a problem?

I felt uncomfortable – bad, like it was my fault; I’d done something wrong. The worst part is she wasn’t pleasant or even really polite – the way she would be to a stranger. So I said that.

And now I see – I didn’t want to feel those feelings. I was judging her, resisting, wanting it to be different.

What would it be like to accept her how she is, without fixing or changing? To love her. To feel her. To lend silent support. To touch, to hold her. To embrace ALL of her.

Let’s find out.