The Spiritual Warrior

What does it take to sit with something? To feel a sensation that has always sent you running for the hills, that I have always resisted? Something that has me feel I MUST sleep so it stops. Or a feeling of ‘rising panic’ that leads to seemingly compulsive and automatic and unstoppable thinking of “Oh my God I have to stop this what’s going to happen I can’t handle it I’m out of control I might die my body might be in danger”. This increases the feelings and so on.

What does it take to sit with such a feeling, and do nothing? When I want to collapse into crying and tears and frustration and just shake and sob and tantrum because it’s all too much and it’s not fair and it’s gone on for so long and there’s no end in sight…AH HA! These are not feelings. This is the mind collapsed with feeling. These are the thoughts that intertwine the body so as to seem one in the same. Yet they are distinct.

So what does it take to feel such a feeling? To let the mind go, or to not pay attention to it. The mind that’s trying to ‘save’ you.

Practically it may help to say “I’m not going to fix this, I’ll be OK, it’s not real. It’s OK mind, I’m here, and everything is OK, you can take a rest. It’s OK body, I’m here. And you’re OK. We can feel this. We can explore this. We can find out what
THIS experience is, fully. I wonder what’s next?”This courage, this willingness to be with the feelings, without changing anything, is the heart of the spiritual warrior. The core. This drive to feel everything, without pharmaceuticals, to allow the body to naturally deal without whatever comes, and ultimately to trust in a higher, bigger process outside ourselves, is the badge that signifies our membership to a special club.

And then something seems to open up. Being willing to risk and face my worst fears – insanity, panic attacks, an endless anxiety loop, and, I suspect, death – has provided a new level of freedom. In the short term, after 4 days of little sleep, it has allowed me to sleep peacefully for a full 8 hours! It’s allowed me to glimpse an expanded view of myself – greater than the frantic mind, the screaming feelings, and the writhing sprinting body. Going fully into my feelings without trying to change them, and seeing that I’m still alive leaves me much more willing to allow the mind to rest. Before, I unconsciously believed my mind had to be running non stop to find a way out – to save my life. After years of realizing that didn’t work, and seeing NO OTHER WAY OUT – I finally tried not fixing it, and not using the mind to ‘save’ me. Having seen that this method actually – again, after a long four days – worked, I seem much more willing to let the mind rest and feel. It’s OK. It’s just intense sensation. “Oh but it might not end and you might be awake all night and you might be crying and you might feel devastatingly lonely and there might be noone awake for miles around and it might start an anxiety loop that you never come out of – and fuck it, I was so close to sleeping if I could just let go of this I could drift and have another 4 hours sleep I’m so close just focus just focus it’s not fucking fair I don’t even know where this is coming from there’s NO REASON FOR ME TO BE AFRAID why is this happening to me just calm down it doesn’t matter you’re OK really it will be alright God this is sad I’ve had this for 20 years it will be forever” (Heart is pounding faster, neck and shoulders tighten further, tingling shoots up the arms). This is the opportunity to ‘deeply feel the moment’. To notice the mind resisting like crazy, and to feel the sensations – without labeling them (after all the labels come from the mind, so calling something fear or anger or intense just invites the mind to comment further on it and the Loop continues) – and see what arises. “Oh but how long do I have to do this? I’ve done it for 20 minutes now and it hasn’t stopped – will it ever end? This really sucks”. Come back to the feelings, the body, what’s actually happening.

So, it not just takes the heart of a spiritual warrior; it takes faith. It takes faith that this process is BETTER for you than the mind constantly thinking a way out. And this is hard as a motherfucker after 40 years of the mind running everything.I don’t see why someone would bother trying this scary uncomfortable path – to break the deeply embedded habit – unless they were facing deep pain. When you’ve really had enough of the pain, everything you’ve tried hasn’t worked, and you can’t see any other way out – then in desperation you may turn inwards, into the feelings. I didn’t trust the process – but I tried the process, seeing no other option.

And now I See. With tears streaming down my face and my body sobbing (while fully aware and noticing the beautiful release), I Know that this…..is surrender. This addresses the very core of my operating system and how I have lived until now. I have tried to control everything, for when I wasn’t in control, some very, very bad things happened. So I will handle it. I will do everything. I will take care of everything – and better than you can. Get out of my way I need to take care of myself.

To allow myself to feel, without fixing or changing – to go beyond the mind is truly to surrender and open myself up to the vulnerable to the universe. I am no longer in control.

I was backed into a corner, snarling and gouging, and then rolled over on my back with my arms and legs spread and my belly to the world.

This is my gateway. This feeling of that which I don’t want to feel, this not knowing how to change or fix it or what might happen…..this surrender to what is…..is a gateway to a whole new pair of eyes, a whole new way of being – a fresh vibrancy and peace and depth of …..something.

Awakening Through Pain - A Summary of the last 3 Months

I write from the Harbin Hot Springs cafe, CA, on this rainy foggy day. Feeling comfortably tired and peaceful, I reflect that it's been an intense journey these last three months. Feeling tired and 'down' almost every day was worrying and uncomfortable. And when I stopped sleeping three weeks ago I had a choice: take sleeping pills to smooth it out, or 'go natural' and face every scary, icky, tense, exposed screaming feeling that comes up.
I'm proud to say I took the latter path, and at one point had a friend with me for 36 hours straight as I felt every feeling that came up. Ouch!
For a guy who's biggest fear is being exhausted and going into an anxiety loop at the same time, it was a wild experience to have nights with 90 minutes and even 20 minutes sleep. There were several times that were it not for my guide pointing out that craving a sleeping pill was my mind trying to protect me, so I could avoid the feelings, I would have definitely popped that ambient that kept (falsely) promising me blissful sleep.
I came out the other side. Not knowing how much longer I could 'keep going', on 20 minutes sleep and with Xanax in my pocket, I boarded a 5 hour flight for San Francisco next to two screaming kids. I gathered valuable evidence that my body can handle extraordinary things.

I HAVE LEARNED
- I don't actually need to worry about sleeping
- I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I often forget and think I can't handle it and inside run away from it
- Running from the feelings can be intense, or very subtle. I could be physically attacking someone, or wishing the bus would show up. 'Resistance' seems a good word to cover this wide range. Resistance is a good clue, a flag to say: "what am I feeling that I don't want to feel?"
- I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I don't need my mind running so incessantly now, because everything is OK, and I can handle every feeling that comes up
- I'm getting in touch with my body, becoming aware of what I'm feeling (which withdraws energy from the mind)
- Eckhart Tolle is my guy! This is my fourth time going into 'The Power of Now' book, and this venture is deeper than every before.
- I have been living almost entirely in the past and future; rarely in the present. (I couldn't stay in the present, because my mind needed to 'look after me' and make sure I was in control of everything)
- It's fascinating seeing the difference between getting lost in the feelings (and thinking that's who we are), and watching/feeling what's happening - aware that it's simply something we're experiencing.
- I have been, for a long time, collapsing thoughts, emotions, and body sensations into one. Something occurs to me as simply a bad feeling, or 'that bitch doesn’t love me'. But now I can see there are three components: 1) a bunch of thoughts ('she doesn't love me', 'she doesn't care about me', 'I can't trust her', 'she'll leave me'), which fuel...2) strong emotions (e.g. I'm sad, depressed, angry, scared - all of them labeled by the mind, and which generate more thoughts, which keep the emotions going in a nasty pattern. I guess you could call this a system, almost a living entity. Maybe an id-entity. And 3) sensations in the body. Something kicks in now and says "where is this in the body? What's actually happening?" I may find it's simply a slightly increased heart beat, a little pressure in my chest, or a tightness in my stomach. None of these are actually problems! Sometimes it feels intense, but when I remember I can handle anything, it becomes a 'ride'. For it to be a problem, I need my mind. I need to create time and think about how long this has gone on, how it might never end, how things could get worse etc. When I focus on the sensations, after a while I sometimes can't even access the emotions. It's like the motor driving these unhappy feelings has slowed to a stop.

What do you feel in your body? Sadness, upset, fear, hoplessness.
No – in your body? Ummm – well. I don’t know. Oh – I have to go inside! OK – ummm…well, I can’t find those things in my body. My body feels OK. Just some tight muscles are a little sore – no big deal. Oh – now I don’t feel sad or afraid. I just feel really tired. (Still not sure what that is). The emotions seem to live in the mind. My body is actually quite fine. What might it be like to live in the body for a while? And to take attention off the mind?

- Recognizing feelings have an old source, and discharging them in the presence of someone loving you, is helpful
- This process has 'forced' me to reach out to people, which is the next step in my evolution. For 2 weeks I've been living next door/with a community of wonderful, fun, loving people. Reaching out, and feeling deep feelings in the presence of someone else is something I've learned to do in the past year. I used to think I had to feel it all on my own; not true. Ironically, it seems that connecting with people is something my physical system might need. (I'm about to read 'A General Theory of Love' which explains this)
- This feels like a doorway to a new way of living
- I can now practice this with other areas of life where I feel anything uncomfortable (and I wonder, maybe with the good feelings?)
- Most people would never seek or try this way of living unless they had no other choice (i.e. unless things get REALLY bad)
- I'm not sure what I want to do work-wise. (And the thing that juices me most right now is some kind of sleep clinic where people are supported through the night in feeling the emotions that come up, until they finally move through it all and sleep. Would love to hear your ideas, input and enthusiasm on this)

Late Night Ramblings (raw and uncensored - swearing may offend)

RAMBLINGS 1
And I flow open – kicking and screaming – well, after the kicking and screaming. Into the raging torrent that carries me – where? Into life?
Such terror, tiger, gouging, maiming abandoning. Tears flow in rivers of sadness as I feel. Feel. Feel. Gentle pulsing in my belly – pulsing for all life – for …..’others’. Wanting to work it out to control it to make everything safe. Projecting into the future and worrying about it.Nicole says to let myself go insane. The constant thinking – worrying about the apartment and how I might feel. The fact is I feel now! The feelings are now! I hate them – well, not now. I did hate them. So intense. So scary. Perhaps so intense that they throw and propel me into the future where I can imagine it even worse. She says allow that, allow the insanity, and it will collapse onto itself and realize it’s not important.

To really let go and be carried away into……death it seems, it feels – and It is death. To be carried away into death. To be with this moment – the not knowing……Ah ha! Right now I’m fine in every way. And then the mind says I may not be in the future. So all there is, is to feel what’s now. Keep being kind to myself. And there is progress – there is opening –there is releasing. She says on some level I know I’m OK. I don’t need my mind to work it out. If not, I wouldn’t be feeling all this.

RAMBLINGS 2
I feel sick. Sick in my stomach – just mildly. My neck is tight, so tight, tense like a torture rack coiled to scream. The heat is too high. Kris is being wonderful. Yet it’s 2am – well fuck the time. I’d like to rest, to relax. And I’m not. My heart is beating – in a loop. I’m so fucking sick of this. You know – I’m not sure this is the right thing to do. I could so easily take a pill now, then move to a hotel for a couple of nights. This place just isn’t the best for me right now. I could medicate myself all the way to Australia and then smooth things out. Or……

I can feel this. This moment. This moment that I hate. What is it? Tightness. Tight tummy. Nervous. Mainly a dull heaviness in my head. And as I focus on this, I’m feeling tired. So – to be present. To feel the anxiety come up and to be with it – in this there may be a dropping off. With or without ear plugs – I just don’t know. Then there’s meditation. There’s hypnosis CD to relax. Then there’s sleeping with Kris. And above it all – this moment. Kris would wake up and listen to me if I needed it.

I want so much to escape this – to stop feeling like this. I may ‘fall apart’. The rising panic – the loneliness. The worry about the future. How can I cope? Well – of course I can’t cope with the future. But I can cope with now. By feeling into it? By going deeper into the now? Fucking easy to say.

RAMBLINGS 3 - 2am
2am
MY FIRST THOUGHT on realizing I’ve spent 3 hours in bed without really sleeping is “This is a bitch”. I’m even in a nice hotel with total quiet – everything I could want – and still not sleeping.

AHHHHH! FUCK.

Why am I not taking a sleeping pill? I’ve made it through 6 months. I’ve made it through sleepless crying screaming nights with 20 minutes sleep – and proven to myself I can handle it. Why not take one and have a lovely sleep? Give myself a break – a rest - a treat? Ahhhh – so tempting. In other words, big resistance to what’s happening.

On further enquiry – things are really good. Sure I feel dozy tired – but that’s not the problem. The only problem is in a mind-projected future. How will I feel tomorrow? Will my feelings be too much to handle? Will I feel exhausted or worse – exhausted and panicky? Will I not perform to people’s expectations? Will they want something I don’t feel up to doing? Will I miss out on the hot meeting with Megan and Kristina?

Without these thoughts and these viewpoints, I realize I’m enjoying the serenity of the hotel. I’m enjoying how comfy this bed feels. (After all I just spent 3 hours in it without getting up to watch casino royale, so something must have been working). I’m enjoying the quiet sleeping support of Kristina (who just got up to pee and said “I’m here for you baby. And I’ll get up and give you a mini massage if you want”). I’m enjoying knowing that Kal, Racheli and Alisha are just a phone call away – and even 5 blocks walk if it comes to that. I love the fun I’ve been having with people, and the constant message I keep getting from everyone, including myself: “Everything’s OK. Everything’s good. Now, what’s fun?” I’m enjoying this new community which has perhaps appeared to help me relax into the world, as I did when I was 5. And I’m enjoying this journaling.

I don’t like that fact that my heart pounds when I hear someone walking overhead, or a horn on the street or a clunk in the pipes. I haven’t come to terms with that yet – with feeling fear or sometimes terror lying in bed. So there’s the resistance. When I can feel strong fear, and not mind the fear, what happens to the fear? What an extraordinary thing to become friends with it – to…..allow it. Well, after a year of this ‘thing’ kicking up, I’m starting to – big leaps and bounds in feeling. There’s more to feel. It’s often not pleasant and sometimes a lot scary, but I’m up for it.And so that’s why I’m not taking a sleeping pill. I believe there’s something deeper for me in this experience – a deeper lesson here about surrender, and feeling. A chance to suck the juice from every experience, including this one.

In these moments late at night, alone and tired and sad and bitching, what to do? No options seem attractive. But when I START – when I journal, read a book, do yoga, go for a walk, masturbate, shower, or call a friend – it feels good. Or perhaps when I finally decide to write a poem, play guitar, work on my book, listen to my hypnosis CD or creep into the warehouse and cuddle talk or cry with Kal, Racheli or Alisha – that too will feel good. I guess this is accepting what is. Saying ‘yes’ to the situation.


RAMBLINGS 4 - 10am
10am
6.5 hrs sleep – fucking thank you God!

I was sleeping on a ledge carved on the side of a cliff! Wire around my waist, and a guy slid my wire into a clip in the rock. But when I bumped the clip, it came out! If I moved a tiny bit in the night, my safety would come out and I’d plummet to my death. What a fucked system!I’m not safe. When I sleep, I might die. How might this happen? What kind of death?

As the tears and worry pour out my eyes and my body shakes softly – what does this mean? If I don’t pay attention – if I’m not vigilant – I might literally fucking die. Something could happen. When I wasn’t paying attention, my sister got hit by a fucking bus – so what happens if I drift off to sleep? If I’m not vigilant – paying attention – conscious – I could be wiped out. Or maybe someone else could be wiped out – perhaps I’ll wake up and Kristina will be gone.
This is the closest link I’ve ever felt to this bullshit academic hypothetical psychological fucked up theoretical story. It felt so unsafe on that cliff ledge. I just didn’t see how I could fall asleep knowing that my safety clip could be bumped out. It wasn’t solid.

Although there WAS a clip. It could have been locked in, instead of resting there. Does that show me that there is a safety net I could put in place if it was done properly? Or is the key to fall sleep on that ledge, being willing to die. Being willing to trust whatever happens – and roll over the edge into the abyss should that come to pass?

Grasshopper doesn’t fucking know.

RAMBLINGS 5
exposed, vulnerable, scared, angry.

Running naked through the world unsure of what will hit me at any time and from any angle. What bullet or unkind word will land? School kids, or an uncaring partner can get me at any time – can hurt me at any time. Could turn away and shun me, or gather and attack as one.

I feel so scared and exposed in this world. And out of control.

I’m so terrified of being uncared for. Of being left. Of being hurt. Of being turned against. I’ve let her in so deeply, which I want so much, and yet now it takes a blink to hurt. It takes a thought, or a lack of a thought to wound. As snot drips from my nose….my face glistens with damp stickiness….. a breath of peace finds me. A respite. And yet – is it SHE I’ve let inside me? Is she causing the pain? Or have I let a lamp inside me, to show me what’s there. To light the sore spots – the aching hurting spots – that can now see the light of day, and heal.

It seems ironic that last night (or at 8am can I still call it this night? Can I hold on to the night so there’s still time to get some sleep?) was my best night’s sleep in a week. So solid, so without hurt or pain. No struggle, just sleeping, with a couple of nice cuddles in between. When this was violated at 6:45 I felt SO unsafe. Like I couldn’t trust my partner. I couldn’t trust this person I let inside. Ah the dramatic sob story soap opera violation of it all. The intense betrayal – the massive selfish uncaring – that may be nothing of the sort. I blame her – this soft soul who laughs and rolls and wriggles when she’s not burrowed in her stony faced cave.

It comes down to: I’m not in control. And I weep for that.


RAMBLINGS 6 - BETRAYAL TO SOARING
While shaking and sobbing yesterday, I got a text from Kristina inviting me to breakfast to celebrate Sam’s send-off. It was difficult to go be around people in my introspective weepy place. But I ventured out, and found myself resonating with a crying Christina Berkley, while Racheli cried behind us on the coach – I mean couch. Then strangely enough I found myself turned on and kissing Kristina.

We had amazing sex, with K saying she’d never felt so much sensation in her body. It didn’t feel necessary for me to climax, and I found myself drifting off to sleep – for the first daytime nap in weeks! (And not for lack of trying – I’ve laid down dozens of times – just never drifted off). I woke up refreshed, and noticed that for perhaps the first time in weeks – I DIDN’T FEEL TIRED! Ahhhh….right now nothing could feel quite so sweet. I pranced around and told people, and felt Kal’s joy in his body when he heard.

So loving my girl – feels like we’re connecting more and more, and staying connected through the hard stuff. I so appreciate you all at OT and the support and love and juice and fun you are contributing to our lives.

RAMBLINGS 7
It felt like she’d been down for days, and I was sick of it. Why did she have to be negative about everything? Everything a problem?

I felt uncomfortable – bad, like it was my fault; I’d done something wrong. The worst part is she wasn’t pleasant or even really polite – the way she would be to a stranger. So I said that.

And now I see – I didn’t want to feel those feelings. I was judging her, resisting, wanting it to be different.

What would it be like to accept her how she is, without fixing or changing? To love her. To feel her. To lend silent support. To touch, to hold her. To embrace ALL of her.

Let’s find out.