The Spiritual Warrior

What does it take to sit with something? To feel a sensation that has always sent you running for the hills, that I have always resisted? Something that has me feel I MUST sleep so it stops. Or a feeling of ‘rising panic’ that leads to seemingly compulsive and automatic and unstoppable thinking of “Oh my God I have to stop this what’s going to happen I can’t handle it I’m out of control I might die my body might be in danger”. This increases the feelings and so on.

What does it take to sit with such a feeling, and do nothing? When I want to collapse into crying and tears and frustration and just shake and sob and tantrum because it’s all too much and it’s not fair and it’s gone on for so long and there’s no end in sight…AH HA! These are not feelings. This is the mind collapsed with feeling. These are the thoughts that intertwine the body so as to seem one in the same. Yet they are distinct.

So what does it take to feel such a feeling? To let the mind go, or to not pay attention to it. The mind that’s trying to ‘save’ you.

Practically it may help to say “I’m not going to fix this, I’ll be OK, it’s not real. It’s OK mind, I’m here, and everything is OK, you can take a rest. It’s OK body, I’m here. And you’re OK. We can feel this. We can explore this. We can find out what
THIS experience is, fully. I wonder what’s next?”This courage, this willingness to be with the feelings, without changing anything, is the heart of the spiritual warrior. The core. This drive to feel everything, without pharmaceuticals, to allow the body to naturally deal without whatever comes, and ultimately to trust in a higher, bigger process outside ourselves, is the badge that signifies our membership to a special club.

And then something seems to open up. Being willing to risk and face my worst fears – insanity, panic attacks, an endless anxiety loop, and, I suspect, death – has provided a new level of freedom. In the short term, after 4 days of little sleep, it has allowed me to sleep peacefully for a full 8 hours! It’s allowed me to glimpse an expanded view of myself – greater than the frantic mind, the screaming feelings, and the writhing sprinting body. Going fully into my feelings without trying to change them, and seeing that I’m still alive leaves me much more willing to allow the mind to rest. Before, I unconsciously believed my mind had to be running non stop to find a way out – to save my life. After years of realizing that didn’t work, and seeing NO OTHER WAY OUT – I finally tried not fixing it, and not using the mind to ‘save’ me. Having seen that this method actually – again, after a long four days – worked, I seem much more willing to let the mind rest and feel. It’s OK. It’s just intense sensation. “Oh but it might not end and you might be awake all night and you might be crying and you might feel devastatingly lonely and there might be noone awake for miles around and it might start an anxiety loop that you never come out of – and fuck it, I was so close to sleeping if I could just let go of this I could drift and have another 4 hours sleep I’m so close just focus just focus it’s not fucking fair I don’t even know where this is coming from there’s NO REASON FOR ME TO BE AFRAID why is this happening to me just calm down it doesn’t matter you’re OK really it will be alright God this is sad I’ve had this for 20 years it will be forever” (Heart is pounding faster, neck and shoulders tighten further, tingling shoots up the arms). This is the opportunity to ‘deeply feel the moment’. To notice the mind resisting like crazy, and to feel the sensations – without labeling them (after all the labels come from the mind, so calling something fear or anger or intense just invites the mind to comment further on it and the Loop continues) – and see what arises. “Oh but how long do I have to do this? I’ve done it for 20 minutes now and it hasn’t stopped – will it ever end? This really sucks”. Come back to the feelings, the body, what’s actually happening.

So, it not just takes the heart of a spiritual warrior; it takes faith. It takes faith that this process is BETTER for you than the mind constantly thinking a way out. And this is hard as a motherfucker after 40 years of the mind running everything.I don’t see why someone would bother trying this scary uncomfortable path – to break the deeply embedded habit – unless they were facing deep pain. When you’ve really had enough of the pain, everything you’ve tried hasn’t worked, and you can’t see any other way out – then in desperation you may turn inwards, into the feelings. I didn’t trust the process – but I tried the process, seeing no other option.

And now I See. With tears streaming down my face and my body sobbing (while fully aware and noticing the beautiful release), I Know that this…..is surrender. This addresses the very core of my operating system and how I have lived until now. I have tried to control everything, for when I wasn’t in control, some very, very bad things happened. So I will handle it. I will do everything. I will take care of everything – and better than you can. Get out of my way I need to take care of myself.

To allow myself to feel, without fixing or changing – to go beyond the mind is truly to surrender and open myself up to the vulnerable to the universe. I am no longer in control.

I was backed into a corner, snarling and gouging, and then rolled over on my back with my arms and legs spread and my belly to the world.

This is my gateway. This feeling of that which I don’t want to feel, this not knowing how to change or fix it or what might happen…..this surrender to what is…..is a gateway to a whole new pair of eyes, a whole new way of being – a fresh vibrancy and peace and depth of …..something.